(Yeah, it’s a dirty job. You’re welcome.)

Whoa, an actual visitor. Blink twice if you’re not a search engine bot.

Seriously, how did you even find this place? Did you follow a trail of empty pizza boxes and existential dread? Did a wizard give you our URL in exchange for a magical goat?

Whatever. You’re here now. Don’t touch anything. This entire operation is held together by three paperclips, a roll of duct tape, and the sheer power of spite. Welcome to our global headquarters, which is less of a “headquarters” and more of a person in a hoodie hunched over an unhealthy number of glowing screens.

Our “Professional” “Services”

Here’s what we do when we’re not questioning our life choices.

Dark Web Intelligence Someone has to wade through the digital equivalent of a swamp filled with pirated Photoshop plugins, bad crypto advice, and recipes for things that should never be cooked. That someone, for some godforsaken reason, is us. We’ll put on our digital hazmat suit and dive deep into the internet’s septic tank to see if your precious data is being auctioned off between a jpeg of a cursed cat and a PDF on “Advanced Alien Abduction Techniques.”

OSINT & Social Media Analysis We have the uncanny ability to find your third-grade teacher’s favorite brand of mayonnaise using only a blurry photo from your cousin’s second wedding. It’s a terrifying skill we developed through years of having absolutely no social life. Now, we weaponize our chronic online-ness for your benefit. We will build a profile on your person of interest so detailed, you’ll feel like you shared a bunk bed with them at summer camp.

Secure Communications Consulting Let me guess: your password is your dog’s name and the year you were born. Your “secure” corporate chat is less private than a reality TV show confessional. Your current digital security is basically a screen door on a submarine. Don’t worry, we’ll fix it. We will wrap your data in so many layers of military-grade encryption, it’ll look like a Russian nesting doll that went to MIT and got a PhD in Advanced Paranoia.

Digital Forensics & Incident Response (DFIR) So, the big red button got pushed. The server is making a funny smell. Your data has packed its bags and fled to a non-extradition country. It’s a full-blown, five-alarm digital dumpster fire. That’s when our pager goes off (we don’t have a pager, it’s just a Slack notification that makes a screaming sound). We are the paramedics of the 1s and 0s. We’ll perform CPR on your hard drives, slap some digital bandages on your firewall, and write a very passive-aggressive post-mortem report about “Brenda from Accounting” and her pathological need to click on every single attachment.

So, You Think You Need Us?

Feel like your particular brand of emergency is our kind of Tuesday afternoon? Go on, impress us.

Send a flare. Or, you know, an email.

investigator@underground.sh

A few ground rules:

  1. If your problem can be solved by turning it off and on again, for the love of god, try that first.
  2. If you’re a Nigerian prince, just know that I’m a recently-crowned Martian king. Let’s not waste each other’s time.
  3. Payment is accepted in untraceable cryptocurrency or large, unmarked bags of premium coffee beans. Mostly the coffee beans.